“Invasion of the Cabbage,” a comic story by Daniel Holland
Hey Man, this weird thing happened yesterday down at the vegetable stand I own. When they fertilized the field in back of my stand, the field flooded. The water rushed into a hole in back of the cabbage bin. Man, was I bummed out when I saw that!
I didn’t want to throw away the cabbages, though, because I had a lot of cash into them, see? I had to find a way to get rid of the cabbages fast.
Hey man, I had to have a big cabbage sale, do you understand? I put a Cabbage Patch doll on top of the stand to advertise my sale. I know the Cabbage Patch doll is a big draw--probably for the same people that bought pet rocks.
But it worked. I sold all the cabbages, except one.
That cabbage got bigger every day. eople started to come by the hundreds just to see it. The cabbage never stopped growing. It got bigger than the vegetable stand. When one of the by-standers reached out to touch it, that cabbage started rolling.
Too bad my stand was on a hill. At the bottom Girl Scouts selling cookies got the surprise of their short lives. I don’t want to say much--it wasn’t a pretty sight--but cookie sales didn’t go well this year.
Dead ahead was a construction site with a “Slow” sign. But the cabbage didn’t read signs. It raced right down the road to a guy holding a yield sign. The cabbage still hadn’t learned how to read, but it knew what to do with a man holding a sign.
The cabbage headed straight toward the Golden Arches. Those arches didn’t stand a chance. After the cabbage tore them out of the ground, they hooked on and got a free ride to the new police station. The police station went down in cabbage history, but you know what? That parking lot still looked pretty good.
The cops called out the National Guard as the cabbage headed straight to the bridge. The arches now hooked on the cables and glided up and down as the bridge swayed from the weight of the cabbage. The arches picked up all the cars in their path. Let’s just say the traffic was cleared out.
The National Guard arrived at the scene with all the regular stuff: rifles, guns and a rocket. But when they shot at the cabbage, their bullets got trapped in the layers of leaves.
Just as they launched the rocket, a bulldozer turned the corner to cut off the cabbage. The rocket dented the bulldozer, bounced off the cabbage and hit the ice skating rink. It’s funny how fast people move when a rocket on ice comes at them.
The cabbage liked the ice skating rink so much, it lay down and napped right then and there in the middle of the rink. As the cabbage snored, its leaves fluttered and lifted as small birds in flight. Some kids jumped aboard to ride the waving leaves like last summer’s surf.
When the cabbage woke up, it gently waved its leaves to the surfing kids .The kids waved back and kept on riding the cabbage waves.
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